First romance includes fear and love in uneven proportions

It was a winter night. The moon hung in the dark grey sky, spreading his glimmer and relieving the earth of the darkness. There stood a building in the street. The white moonlight slightly revealed the face of a girl by a window that was open into a beautiful garden. There was no light switched on in the room. 

Harika stood leaning by the window of her bedroom, her hands folded. She was observing the darkness of the night, a darkness disturbed by the moonlight, the silence disturbed by the smooth rustling of the leaves, the emptiness of space filled by twinkling stars. That’s the beauty of nature, she thought to herself, thinking of the struggle she would have to endure to make her love stand.

If the darkness, the wind that swayed the leaves, the vast space was the struggle, then her love would blossom out of them like the cool moonlight, like the symphony that came from the rustling leaves, like the stars that twinkled in the emptiness. Her glance moved to the nest on the tree that stood beside. There was a bird in the nest, looking at the dark sky, awaiting the warmth of its mate in the coldness. She wondered of the time when she would await Arun, at her door, with lots of love. She felt a jolt of strong emotion in her heart.

Her mother told her in the evening, that she and her dad will be going to Hyderabad to attend a wedding tomorrow and return the day after tomorrow. Harika knew that she should to stay alone. So, she sent a text message to Arun.

“Arun, your Queen will be alone at home tomorrow. How about taking her on an evening date?”

Arun replied, “As you wish, Your Highness!”

On the next evening, Arun came to the place where they always met and picked her up. Though there were times when they have spent quality time together during the six months, it was the first time that Harika and Arun came out on a bike. Harika always felt insecure about being noticed by her family members. Now, she felt a little safe. Arun did not think of a specific place to go. He wanted to make it the most memorable time, of their togetherness.

Arun remembered once when Harika told that one of her biggest dreams was to spend time at a lake on a full moon evening. Arun knew where to go. The Kumarakom Lake resort, a place known for its pleasant beauty and heavenly lake view accommodation. Arun had been there a few times before. Harika did not ask where they were going. She did not want to disturb her curiosity. She only enjoyed the beauty of the road they were travelling. Darkness started setting in when they reached the lake.

Arun bought the entry passes. Their villa stood by the lake, a neat, mud balcony lining the lake with a coconut tree standing high and a beautiful wooden bench facing the lake. They both sat on the bench, facing the lake. Harika laid her head on Arun’s shoulder, holding his arm. She felt the warmth of his presence in the coldness. Arun felt his heart rushing. He was trying to become conscious of the moment. Because this had always been his fantasy.

Now, Arun turned and sat looking at her, observing her in the bright full moonlight. Harika was in a blue, starched cotton chudidar. Her light skin tone had a different radiance in the moonlight. He always loved her sparkling attractive eyes, arched eyebrows. Her lips had a profile that resembled smile without smiling, small and evenly wide.  A chin with a small black mark slightly to the left made the statement of angelic beauty. The sleeves covered her forearms. Two small-sized gold, diamond-studded earrings hung on both the ears. A thin gold chain with a beautiful locket hung on her chest. The hair was not completely left free, it was straightened hair with slight curls till the shoulder line, and was curly at the bottom. A few strands hung from the forehead, passing by the left eye, covering her beautiful cheek. He thought, as she said yesterday, she was not a Queen, but an Angel, unfortunately, born on earth. 

 They sat looking at the calm lake. The reflection of the moon in the water made one feel as if it were below the water, but the waves that disturbed the image now and then revealed the truth. The breeze from the surface of the lake flowed with a touch of moist coldness. There were leaves rustling, producing a pleasant symphony, the crickets’ chirping adding an orchestral effect.  Houseboats so beautifully lighted moved in the far distance, coconut trees stood inclined towards the waters. The lake made one feel as if another world existed underneath.

The breeze seemed to get colder with time, so they both walked inside the villa. The room had whitewashed walls, light bulbs hanging to the roof, elegant wooden furniture that made the place look like a painting. Walking around,

Harika said “Arun, this has been the most beautiful evening of my life. I wish it were like this in future too. Only one thing is disturbing me. How many more days shall we be so secretive about our relationship? I’m lying to my parents. I don’t want it to be like this. We should be able to meet without any fear, stay together with freedom. You, me, lots of love and that’s all I want.”

Arun replied, “A few days more Harika, till everything settles down. I’ll talk to your parents. We’ll be alright. I promise you. I Love You.”

Harika stood facing Arun looking into his eyes. Arun held her palms. Kissed them. Took her face into his hands, moved closer, then she felt his lips on hers. He moved his palms down the length of her hands. Taking her into his arms, he felt her heart close to his. Held her like that for moments longer than necessary. The fragrance, warmth of her body, left an impact on his feeling for this moment. He moved the fine strands of her hair aside from a curved profile. Kissed her on the forehead, her chin. Passing his palm over the curve of her neck, he gently kissed her neck, her shoulder. It was the touch of the cotton garment that covered her skin that gave him more pleasure than the direct touch of her skin. Taking her cheeks in his hands, he kissed her eyelids. 

This was their first closest physical interaction. It was not a surrender. It was not out of the instinctive necessity demanded by privacy. It was a conscious loss of control. A beautiful desire to intertwine their souls and become one personification. There was a faint sense of hesitation. But she did not resist him, nor did she respond to his act. She just accepted it, with a faint sense of pleasure. She wanted the act from him, she wanted to express her love back. But something hindered her from doing so. There was a sense of anxiety. A sense of unknown guilt, she felt at this moment. Though she would not respond and express hers, there was a celebration in the act.

Moving his palms down the length of her hands, Arun put his hands on her waist. Now, Harika sensed the real loss of control. For once, she got reminded of her family, her mother, the society. Harika felt a jolt of fear, dread when she remembered her reality at home.  What if this was known to her family? What if she would never be allowed to meet this person again? She was afraid. She pushed him away, setting her hair in order. Arun was once jolted into reality. He could not understand what suddenly made her react like that. Looking at her face, he realised what happened. His face bore an expression of apology. She shook her head accepting it and making the situation normal. They sat in the room for a while before they came out to leave.

 On their way back home, they did not look at each other. None of them uttered a word. Both of them were in their thoughts. Arun’s joy of celebrating his love dominated his other emotions at this moment. But it was an incomplete joy, unsatisfactory in its sense, interrupted by fear and guilt.

Harika thought to herself that this was not something she wanted from love, a love interrupted by fear and guilt. She wants a love undisturbed by the insecurity of losing the loved one, a love that is pure, complete in its form and sense was all she desired and wanted. She knew how much she loved Arun.

With these thoughts, the road to home seemed longer to both of them. They reached the place where they have to part now. Harika got down. With a half-smile, she looked at Arun, and turned to go. Arun held her hand and stopped her, pulled her back gently, his face pleading a sense of reassurance. She looked around to check if someone would see them. She smiled at him. Slowly taking her hand away from him. Turned to go. Arun again stopped her and pulled her closer. She understood him, her look now gave him the reassurance he wanted. He couldn’t let her go. She gently separated her hand from his as she turned to go.

He looked at her as she walked. Walking a few steps, she turned back and smiled at him. After a few steps more, turned back and smiled again. She was more sensitive than Arun. She didn’t want to leave him. She wanted to stay in his arms.  She knew this would hurt him. This was the struggle she thought of, last night, leaning by the window. But she knew she could stand strong for him, for herself, for them.

Then she understood the meaning of a beautiful line that she once read, “Love is not a joy; it’s a deep, wonderful pain. Everything within one should tear. Only then, one will know what love is.”