Indian grooms not finding girls to marry

This is a comment on a burning issue that is being swept under the carpet.

It is becoming a difficult task for men to find women to marry. This is because of an imbalance in the ratio between men and women. As a result, women are in high demand and men are suffering lack of options. A look at the matrimony sites gives a clear understanding of the situation. 

Let us take an instance. A man uploads his profile in matrimony site. A woman finds it appropriate satisfying all her parameters. But because of the number of profiles flooding in her notifications, she tries to find even better profile because of parents, relatives, friend. And the process of filtering, sorting goes on and on and on, and until she either finds a better profile, this man is put on hold. The man with lesser options would wait for months for the woman to respond, and it is highly uncertain that the woman would get back to this man.

This is the condition of men in all the classes of society; the upper class, middleclass, lower middleclass without exception. There are many implicit reasons for this, the explicit reason being the man women ratio.

 Where did it all begin?

In Indian society marriage is given so much importance. Until the early 2000’s, marriages happened easily. The average age of marriage for men was 24 and of woman was 20. And with the economic, technological conditions that prevailed in that time, the process of finding a partner was very smooth for both men and women. Even love marriages happened in a great many numbers.

But as technology came into average people’s life, with IT revolution creating lakhs of jobs, things started changing at a rapid pace. Career and money became the dominant aspects of young people’s lives. Especially woman who were limited to small white color jobs like teaching, banking started entering into every field of technology and science and raised their financial abilities by unimaginable standards.

With the amount of financial freedom, privacy, self-exploration time given by career and money, marriage became the last priority. As a result, the trend began as such, people started marrying only after earning abundant financial resources. The age for marriage went up to 30 years. Marrying before 30 has become a matter of shame.

It was good that young people raised their living standards, good that economic standards of society also became better over time. And following the trend was good to a generation of people. But no single trend can fetch good results for everyone for a long time and it has its dark side.

And the dark side is, men are not able to find the right partner even in their 30’s. Though they are well equipped financially, socially, there is a lot of anxiety, hopelessness lurking in young men between 25 and 30. This is a glaringly evident truth which is being avoided, swept under the carpet, both by the younger generation older generations. The younger generation being lost in the race of making living sophisticated thinking money can solve emotional needs, the older generation lost in their moral stature and considering the question a taboo and not knowing how to address the problem.

Because, this is not a problem that can be addressed by a system or a government or some politician. Neither it is a problem that can be addressed by an individual. But sweeping thing under the carpet will only make the conditions worse.

Let us first consider a few evident reasons that led to the situation.

Reasons:

Freedom in disguise of sophistication:

Women who are fed up with a patriarchal domination at home all their childhood, after getting a good job in a metro city, love to enjoy that freedom from being monitored or judged by family and society. And getting into a committed and married relationship becomes a hindrance to their freedom. So, most of the women started finding ways to escape marriage as much as possible. As a result, the marriage age of women went to 28 and even 30 years.

Parents’ dependence on daughters’ income:

From a patriarchal society where a girl child’s birth was considered as a burden by parents fearing the incurring expenses right from her education till marriage, women have evolved to doing high paying jobs by independently living in metro cities and sending home part of the income to parents. And daughters started investing pension schemes, insurance policies from their income so as to help their parents survive their old age. As a result, daughters became an asset to most of the parents and parents holding the moral advantage, took over the marriage decision of their daughters’ marriage. Parents started postponing their daughter’s marriage age so as to enjoy the benefits of her income for long, and by the time the marriage became a compulsion, they started finding grooms who are either innocent enough or financially rich so that they do not lose their benefits post her marriage.

Lack of clarity

Because women are in demand, they go through thousands of profiles. With so many offers in hand, choosing the best is subject to opinions of parents, relatives, well-wishers, friends, friends of friends, their pet dogs. And their opinion of better is about nothing more than having better package, better job, better car, more properties and the grocery list is never ending. And men who do not meet the parameters are rejected and are put on hold.

There are many such reasons which are evident can one observe in family gatherings, observe the discussions about marriage, about what aspects parents consider to get their daughter married.

The phase of needs

Whatever the trend is, whatever the reasons are, whatever the standards women prefer in choosing men for marriage, the central issue that needs to be addressed will always be the ‘Need for a Company’. How much ever financially sophisticated life men and women may be living, the ‘need for a company’ is inescapable.

Romance and love are dead in today’s financially sophisticated society. Young people in the name of trend, in the flow of following masses, are avoiding love and romance for their careers and other unemotional aspects of life. But how long can they do it is the question.

How much ever they avoid the issue of love or romance in their life and seek solace in books, parties, friends, tours and whatever, no one can escape life.

At a certain time in life, there will be needs. By the very nature, physical, biological, emotional needs are common to both men and women. One might suppress them for a short time but when they surface up, the consequences would be disastrous psychologically.

For evidence, one can observe today’s social media trend and cinema. Men who are not able to find a partner for love or marriage, fed up, frustrated by suppression of a basic need of their lives, are finding an outlet to their frustration and inadequacy in Instagram reels, by either creating them or liking and sharing them with a common group of friends. They are enjoying content or cinema that shows women as cunning, double-faced hypocrites who use men for emotional or financial needs. Men scream when woman is scolded cuss words or slapped in the movie. ‘Baby’ movie becoming a hit is a recent example of the trend.

Men may be showing up their masculinity and strength by laughing and celebrating content that demeans women, love and emotions. Women may be celebrating their own freedom with the popular notion ‘emotional attachments are a burden’ and try to pass time in a no strings attached’ trend.

Conclusion

But all those surface level actions. Deep down the hearts everyone feels lonely, destressed. Deep down everyone is empty and longing to be fulfilled with love. Everyone has an intense longing for a deeper emotional company to share life with.

Young men and women should realize their need to find a company. And do not attach moral guilt to the word need. Needs can be addressed ethically, by mutual consent. Love is the only solution. Realizing this is the first step.

Finding the right company in life does not simply gratify needs, but it enhances the very existence of one’s being. Living financially sophisticated life is always a choice and can be a choice, but there is no choice about living an emotionally fulfilled life.